The ultimate lame jokes collection
Due to the exceptional times we're going through - no i'm not going to try to sell you some snakeoil solution - I don't have a lot of energy and time to write blogs nor did I follow the information security news as closely for the last few months. It's an achievement in itself to do my daytime job, help to keep the household running and keep myself as sane as possible.
A lot of people going through the same or even much worse situations and I notice there's a lot of negativity and seriousness on Twitter, even more than normal. So I thought why not trying to bring some positivism. It makes me feel better and hopefully others as well. Like so often I did a poll.
Do you think there should be more humour on Twitter and that people are too serious?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 9, 2020
Apparently people agreed and that's how it all started. I'm going to add the lame jokes I tweet to this blog. And in case you want to have a laugh, or cry like @appsecbloke (the dude has a poor sense of humor ;-) ), I hope this blog can help.
Mike (@appsecbloke) says that his humour is better than mine. I think it's most fair to let twitter decide.
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 17, 2020
Who's humour you like the most?
Aug 5, 2020
How can you tell your Sysadmin’s an extrovert?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) August 5, 2020
He stares at YOUR shoes when he talks to you.#LameJokeOfTheDay
Aug 4, 2020
What did the router say to his doctor?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) August 4, 2020
Doc, it hurts when IP.#LameJokeOfTheDay
Aug 3, 2020
Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) August 3, 2020
To get the latest Java updates#LameJokeOfTheDay
Aug 2, 2020
Two wifi engineers got married.
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) August 2, 2020
The reception was fantastic.#LameJokeOfTheDay
Aug 1, 2020
What happens when the WiFi goes down in Russia?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) August 1, 2020
Nyetflix.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 29, 2020
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. #LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 29, 2020
July 28, 2020
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. #LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 28, 2020
July 27, 2020
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 27, 2020
He ate his pizza before it was cool.#LameJokeOfTheDay pic.twitter.com/6qbNt2PHQj
July 26, 2020
Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 26, 2020
Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 25, 2020
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. #LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 25, 2020
July 24, 2020
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 24, 2020
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 23, 2020
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. #LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 23, 2020
July 22, 2020
A guy holding a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese knocked on my door.
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 22, 2020
"I haven't ordered pizza, it’s a mistake” I said.
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 21, 2020
I was going to change my password to one of my favorite places in France but it’s Toulon. #LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 21, 2020
July 20, 2020
My password is pussy
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 20, 2020
Because most hackers don't get it.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 19, 2020
My password is "snowwhiteandthesevendwarves"
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 19, 2020
because they said I needed 8 characters.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 18, 2020
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 18, 2020
July 17, 2020
A SEO couple had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 17, 2020
July 16, 2020
8 bytes walk into a bar, the bartenders asks “What will it be?” One of them says, “Make us a double.”#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 16, 2020
July 15, 2020
Why did the geek add body { padding-top: 1000px; } to his Facebook profile?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 15, 2020
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He wanted to keep a low profile.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 14, 2020
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 14, 2020
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jkowmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 13, 2020
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 13, 2020
July 11, 2020
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 11, 2020
July 10, 2020
I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 10, 2020
July 9, 2020
Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 9, 2020
July 8, 2020
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.#LameJokeOfTheDay
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 8, 2020
July 7, 2020
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 7, 2020
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They each got six months.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 6, 2020
Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 6, 2020
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Because they have good soles.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 5, 2020
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?"
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 5, 2020
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She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 4, 2020
"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 4, 2020
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"Nacho cheese."#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 3, 2020
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 3, 2020
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Because it's pointless!#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 2, 2020
Why shouldn't you use "beef stew" as a password?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 2, 2020
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It's not stroganoff.#LameJokeOfTheDay
July 1, 2020
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) July 1, 2020
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Because he Neverlands.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 30, 2020
How do celebrities stay cool?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 30, 2020
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They have many fans.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 29, 2020
Patient: Doctor, I need your help. I'm addicted to checking my Twitter!
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 29, 2020
Doctor: I'm so sorry, I don't follow.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 28, 2020
Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 28, 2020
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It hasn't come out yet.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 27, 2020
What are the strongest days of the week?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 27, 2020
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Saturday and Sunday the rest are week days.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 26, 2020
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 26, 2020
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His hand slipped.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 25, 2020
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 25, 2020
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50 cent featuring Nickelback.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 24, 2020
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 24, 2020
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I don't know but the flag is a big plus#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 23, 2020
What do you call a fake noodle?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 23, 2020
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An impasta!#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 22, 2020
how do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 22, 2020
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Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 22, 2020
What kind of bees make milk?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 22, 2020
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Boobees!#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 21, 2020
I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 21, 2020
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But none of them work.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 20, 2020
Why didn't the bullet get a job?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 20, 2020
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Because he kept getting fired!#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 19, 2020
Why do the French eat snails?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 19, 2020
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They don't like fast food.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 18, 2020
Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 18, 2020
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He doesn't like being followed.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 17, 2020
Why couldn't the keyboard sleep?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 17, 2020
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Because it has 2 shifts.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 16, 2020
What do you call a bee that was born is the United States?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 16, 2020
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A USB.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 15, 2020
Why was the stadium so cold?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 15, 2020
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Because there were a lot of fans.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 14, 2020
What should you do, if you get locked out of your house?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 14, 2020
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Talk to the lock, because communication is key. #LameJokeOfTheDay
June 12, 2020
What do we call a crying sister?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 12, 2020
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A crisis.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 11, 2020
Which is the coldest letter in the alphabet?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 11, 2020
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B because it is in the middle of AC.#LameJokeOfTheDay
June 10, 2020
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
— John Opdenakker (@j_opdenakker) June 10, 2020
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A fsh.#LameJokeOfTheDay